Watch With Sage: Jaws 2

MST3k, Rifftrax, and Television Without Pity – they make the landscape of terrible American movies and television shows entertaining. Put on your favourite polyester pantsuit, put on the Jiffy Pop and come watch Jaws 2 with me.

Jaws 2 starts with a happy trilling harp over two scuba divers as they wander around in the waters off of the town of Amity. The scuba divers find Quint’s boat from the first Jaws movie, the one that sunk at the end. One diver takes photos of the other in front of the boat but…

DUM DUM DUM DUM

IT’S PIXIE THE WONDER SHARK!

(Not many people know this but after all the troubles they had with the mechanical shark in the first Jaws movie the producers chose to go with a trained shark. Look at her tummy! She is so CUTE!)

Pixie eats ’em up, yum yum – well, it’s supposed to be that but sadly comes across more as the divers doing interprative underwater dance – there’s some red food colouring and the camera falls and falls and falls.

Meanwhile, Amity’s police chief is trundling along in his pickup truck. He arrives at this big ugly hotel where the Amity High School band is struggling through Petula Clark’s Downtown – WHEN you are LOW and life is GET-ting you DOWN – Chief Brody is bored, Mrs. Brody is bored, their son Mikey from the Life cereal ads is also bored and at the podium, the Evil Mayor Made of Evil (who, you’ll recall from the first movie threw live 9 year olds to Jaws for breakfast) is headed for the podium in a sportscoat so loud it transcends space and time and makes 2015 eyes bleed and says, “Our own Miss Amity is going to cut the ribbon and open the brand new Holiday Inn!”

Miss Amity (“…because, uh, some… people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Afria and, uh, the Iraq everywhere…”) cuts the ribbon. Later, the Brodies and Mayor Evil stand around in awkward silence. Suddenly Mayor Evil says, “HEY! Meet my son! Evil Jr., come here!”

Evil Jr. IS 1978 handsome. Feathered dark hair and heavy eyebrows. (Today, the actor is running his own private investigation company in Hollywood, tracking down deadbeat dads and spying on unfaithful spouses and is even available when you “know there’s something wrong but you can’t put a finger on it”. He charges $75 a MINUTE for a stakeout. He takes Paypal. Swear to god.)

Chief Brody’s son, meanwhile, looking so much like Christopher Reeve at age 20 that I immediately suspect Mrs. Brody of something that requires a private investigator, is talking to the rich man’s Jennifer Gray. Christopher Reeve says, “I don’t want to go on a blind date with YOUR COUSIN.”

Christopher Reeve’s best friend – think Ralph Mouth from Happy Days but with a receeding hairline (poor kid, he really was just 19 when this movie was filmed) says, “Blind dates are okay if they have little white canes and a tin cup!” and everybody at the party turns to him and says, “Wah-waaaaaaaah,” okay no they don’t but I wish they did.

Meanwhile, Linus Torvald who invented Linux and his buddy are standing around. Linus is like, “Did you dance with anybody?”

His buddy sighs for about three minutes and finally says, “…no.”

Linus is like, “I’m going to ask Miss Amity to dance.” (“…I believe that they should, our education over here in the US should help the US…”)

His buddy says that’s insane and Linus can’t help but agree and then they both stand there for awhile. Don’t worry, you guys. The internet is about to be invented.

HOORAY! WE CUT TO THE WATER! FINALLY!

It’s eerie and dark. There’s a boat, and there’s a lighthouse. And there’s some rope tying a rope to the deck. And we follow… the rope… into the water… and there –

PIXIE THE WONDER SHARK!

She slowly wanders up to the surface and shyly shows us her fin.

We fade (boooo) to Main Street.

Chief Brody is standing there with Deputy Gomer Pyle and a guy hollers, “There’s some kinda abandoned yacht just off the point – empty, but there’s a diver’s flag.” Deputy Gomer Pyle offers to go check it out.

At the dock all the teenagers are getting ready for a boating afternoon and Life Cereal Mikey Brody is saying, “PLEASE can I go with you on your BOAT?”

His brother Christopher Reeve Jr. is like, “NO,” and Jennifer Gray and Ralph Mouth walk up and Jennifer Gray is like you have GOT to meet my cousin and Christopher Reeve is indifferent to her cousin and then a Dorothy Hamill Hair Wearing young woman waves to Jennifer and she’s like, “MY COUSIN!” and runs off.

Ralph Mouth turns to Linus Torvald and is like, “Dorothy Hamill lurves you!” and Linus, his voice coming directly from the Swamp of Sadness, “No. I’m thin. I wear glasses. I live in Amity all year ’round.” (Shut up, Linus. I hope Pixie eats you first.)

The teens frolic on their Rafty Boats of Joy. At Chief Brody’s office, townspeople are whining about loud music and indecent exposure and when Deputy Pyle shows up Brody pulls him into the office and closes the door with a sigh of relief. Deputy Pyle gives Brody the scuba diver’s camera.

Back on the water, a vacationer is swinging from a sail, intermittantly hitting the water and whenever he does we see him from Pixie the Wonder Shark’s point of view, delicious and wriggling. Pixie gets closer… closer… but the Yummy Feetses of Yummy are whisked back into the air! The worst!

PIXIE IS SO HUNGRY, YOU GUYS.

But it’s okay because over to the west there’s a young woman waterskiing which is even more wriggly and AUGH we’re back on land watching Miss Amity (“…should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries…”) make out with her boyfriend Eddie. She hears the motorboat and runs up to see the water-skier and then we’re watching an old woman rocking on her porch (actual screenplay name: Miss Whitherspoon) beaming at the water-skier.

On the sand dunes Miss Amity waves and Eddie strums his guitar and back in the water the young woman zooms around and then – PIXIE SHARK FIN! (I get goosebumps. Actual goosebumps. I know this movie is really silly but this movie is why at 43 years old I cannot close my eyes in the deep end of the pool. JUST IN CASE I get magically transported to the water off Amity.)

Pixie is zooming faster and faster and casually catches a wriggly leg in her mouth and drags her thrashing prey underwater. Hooray!

The line the water-skier was holding thumps sadly on the waves and finally the boat driver notices and turns around in order to find her friend. She finds an empty waterski bobbing on the water and looks bewildered. She reaches into the water and picks up the waterski which, she can see now, is chewed in half and she still just looks super confused and Pixie is slowly sidling up from the deeps and she SLAMS herself into the boat!

And the driver picks up a can of gasoline and pours it on herself as you do (I mean, I know she’s supposed to be panicked and grasping at straws but this woman is not a very good actress and she really does just pick up the can and pour the gas on her head accidentally getting a little bit on Pixie and my question here is WHY DIDN’T SHE DRIVE THE BOAT AWAY) and she’s screaming her head off and she fires a flare gun at Pixie (POOR PIXIE!) and Pixie starts burning! And being smarter than the boat driver she just sinks into the water to stop the burning and then the driver catches on fire! And then the whole boat explodes! And Miss Witherspoon looks on in horror and runs inside to call the police.

Much later, on the police boat, Deputy Gomer Pyle pokes at the wreckage. “GAWleee! There ain’t no survivers out here, Chief!” And Brody is like drag for bodies, and Deputy Pyle is trying to drag for bodies but hooks a power line instead, whoops, and the next morning at the Brody house the Chief chainsmokes as his family tries to choke down their Cheerios and Mrs. Brody says, “It’s your third cigarette of the morning,” and the Chief is like, “I also had coffee,” and Mrs. Brody is like, “Have a donut too,” and this is a pretty fair rendition of what people ate for breakfast in 1978.

In the sand dunes, Miss Amity (“I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are … continuing to try to strive to [epic pause] figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create educate better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.”) and her boyfriend Eddie are running and giggling until Miss Amity suddenly sits down in the sand and screams because she almost ran right into a gigantic dead killer whale covered in bloody bites. We fade to a big crowd surrounding the killer whale, and Chief Brody tells a scientist that it was DEFINETLY A SHARK.

The scientist is like, “Probably not,” and Brody, wildeyed is like, “But dolphins can communicate! What if a shark tells another shark that -” but the scientist just stares at him in disgust and walks away.

At the town hall, Mayor Evil lets Chief Brody into his office and is like, “Oh for god’s sake is EVERY body we can’t find a ‘shark’ attack?” and Brody is like, “OBVIOUSLY YES” and Mayor Evil is like “Well, now we know who killed that lady in the alley at 3 AM behind the Crown & Swan,” (okay no he doesn’t) and Brody stomps off to his pickup truck. He drives slowly down the shoreline and stops when he sees a piece of motorboat and wades into the water to pick it up and when he turns it over he sees the boat driver’s charred body.

We suddenly cut to a syringe and cyanide. Brody is filling six bullets with cyanide (Um, his previous job experience is “New York cop”, right? How did he learn how to do this?) when Deputy Pyle suddenly comes in. “Well GAWLEE! That burned body is definitely from the motorboat! What’s that on your desk!”

And Brody is like, “UH, NOTHING, HEY! LOOK! It’s the underwater camera! Go get that film developed!” and then he throws the camera out his office door and Deputy Pyle lopes after it, panting.

At Brody’s house, Life Cereal Mikey and Christopher Reeve Jr. are playing Pong on the console tv while Mrs. Brody listens to Richard Dreyfuss explain that he’s way too busy making Close Encounters of the Third Kind to be in this terrible sequel, but she waters it down when Brody comes home to “he’s on an Arctic expedition and can’t help you this time” so she doesn’t hurt his feelings.

Brody sighs heavily and tells Christopher Reeve, “I’ve found you a summer job. No more boating for the rest of the summer.” Christopher Reeve is appalled, but Brody is firm.

The next day we pan around the beach looking at the waxed chests and sideburns and tiny Dolphin shorts. Brody is in a high lookout tower.

He spots a big mass heading for a group of toddlers and Brody starts ringing the bell frantically and screaming for everybody to leave the water. He climbs down to the sand and starts running down the beach SHOOTING HIS GUN IN THE WATER like who’s the biggest danger in Amity right now, Chief Brody, and one longhaired guy drawls, “It’s just bluefish, man.”

Everyone stops running and scowl mightily at Brody instead of calling the State Police to have him arrested for attempted murder and Brody kneels in the sand and starts picking up spent shells and Lifetime Cereal Mikey comes over and starts helping him because Lifetime Cereal Mikey is his only friend in the whole wide world.

Later, Brody sits in his office, in the dark. The phone rings and it’s the film developer who wants Brody to come see the photos which are of course some nice headshots of Pixie the Wonder Shark. Mayor Evil and his cronies pretend they can’t see Pixie in the photos.

We cut abruptly to the local bar, where Christopher Reeve and Ralph Mouth are morosely eating pizza. Evil Jr. and his two henchmen come over to the bar and ask if Chief Brody’s gone insane which is a completely fair question as he just SHOT HIS GUN AT A BUNCH OF TODDLERS and Christopher Reeve doesn’t know and then everyone starts asking if Christopher Reeve can come boating the next day and he says I don’t know because he’s supposed to be at his summer job and then Dorothy Hamilll is like, “I reeeeeeally want to go to the lighthouse with you,” and now Christopher Reeve is definitely going boating tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Deputy Pyle is in Brody’s living room moaning, “GAWLEE I don’t know what I’m gonna do now that the Chief’s lost his job!” and Mrs. Brody is like, “Whaaaat?” and the Chief drunkenly pins his badge on Deputy Pyle who is like, “I don’t want your badge! Chief Brody you’re – you’re the most swell guy ever!” and then in the deep awkwardness that follows he flees the house. In the morning, Christopher Reeve brushes his dark feathered hair and sprays mouthwash in his mouth and beams at his reflection and as he tiptoes down the hall, Lifetime Cereal Mikey whispers, “I’m going boating too!” and Christopher Reeve hisses, “NO WAY,” and Mikey hollers, “Hey! Where are you GOING!” and Christopher Reeve stage whispers, “Okay okay okay okay,” and they run outside.

At the dock, Mikey trips and falls down and Christopher Reeve barks at him and a teenager in a sailor suit (no, nobody wore sailor suits in the 70s) is like, “Come sail on my boat, Mikey,” and if this sounds familiar that’s because almost exactly the same scene already happened about 10 minutes ago and the alacrity shown by these kids in getting Mikey out of drowning reach of Christopher Reeve is disturbing and Mikey goes happily off with Sailor Suit to her boat.

Dorothy Hamilll and Jennifer Gray show up and Dorothy is like, “Is there room for us on your boat?” and Linus Torvald stands tragically in the background inventing Linux in his head and Ralph Mouth starts to say no but Christopher Reeve literally pushes Ralph Mouth off the boat and urges the two women to hop on. Dorothy does, but when Linus says hopelessly to his feet, “I’ve… got room on my boat,” Jennifer Gray turns around and hops onto his boat and he smiles for the first time in his life. Jennifer Gray lounges on the bow of his boat like she’s auditioning for the Duran Duran “Rio” video and says she’s ready to go.

One of Evil Jr.’s henchmen is like, “But I thought Jennifer was going on YOUR boat,” and Evil Jr. snarls that obviously she isn’t and the orchestra plays frolicking music as the teenagers get underway. As their little boats are passing a scuba diving class they exchange niceties and the teenagers move on, but we stay with one of the divers. He hops into the water and swims down and la la, there’s some coral, la la, there’s some seaweed, and la la there’s some – PIXIE TEETH! And her face is all burned, poor doodlehead!

The scuba diver shoots to the surface and gets out of the water in time, though he has the bends, as a disappointed Pixie wanders off after the teenagers.

Back at House Brody, the Chief is just exiting his bathroom, a cigarette drooping from his lip and a towel over his shoulder. In the kitchen, he starts the kettle and does some dirgey Death of a Salesman “I lost my job” at Mrs. Brody who eventually is like, “Christopher Reeve must be at HIS job,” then they both vaguely wonder where six year old Mikey might be but quickly lose interest in figuring it out because: 1978.

Meanwhile, Miss Amity and her boyfriend have gone off by themselves in a small boat. She’s like, “When will we catch up with everyone else?” and her boyfriend says shiftily, “Eventually,” and makes a slimey move on her and hooray! Here comes Pixie to save Miss Amity from her date-rapey boyfriend! She rams the little boat as hard as she can and the boyfriend falls overboard and he’s in the water, and Miss Amity still in the boat is like, “Eddie! Help! Heeeeelp!” which is awesome and Pixie, like us, frowns on their relationship and feels that Miss Amity should spend her summer learning about physics and brushing up on her calculus skills instead of getting to know Eddie’s cock better and so Pixie turns around and starts heading for Eddie.

Instead of setting herself on fire, Miss Amity is like, “SWIM, EDDIE!” and Eddie is trying his best but Pixie is pretty fast and I don’t know anything about boats but couldn’t Miss Amity get the boat closer to Eddie at least? And Pixie pulls poor Eddie underwater and then playfully pushes Eddie towards the boat like basically sharks are what cats would be if you could see their soul on the outside and Eddie smashes into the side of the boat and tries to climb on board and then Pixie pulls him underwater, purring.

Suddenly we’re in Brody’s pickup truck with Brody hand Mrs. Brody following a Chevy van with the word “ambulance” painted haphazardly on the front, like I guess Mayor Evil is too busy taking kickbacks from the new Holiday Inn owners to spring for a real ambulance and the scuba diver guy who escaped but had the bends is unconscious and (newly appointed Police Chief) Gomer Pyle is waiting with him. The ambulance whisks the scuba diver to the hospital and Gomer is like, “GAWLEE! The scuba diver got the bends right after Christopher Reeve and all the other kids sailed by on their Rafty Boats of Joy!” and Brody runs hell for leather to the wharf and gets into a police boat and Gomer is like, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT,” and then he watches Brody try to get the boat going with his hamfisted former New York City Cop hands and can’t stand it anymore and is like, “Oh my god, stop torturing the boat I’ll help you” and so Brody, Mrs. Brody and (Chief) Gomer Pyle head out into the water together.

Brody calls the coast guard and asks for a helicopter to tell the kids to go back to the shore and they promise they will.

Our Orchestra of Maritime Happiness and Sunny Skies bursts out the trumpets as we watch the teenagers pass the lighthouse in search of another place to hang out and meanwhile the Brodys and (Chief) Gomer Pyle pull up to Miss Amity’s boat. Miss Amity is curled up under a seat, sobbing (“We are truly the land of the great. From the rock shores of… Hawaii… to the beautiful sandy beaches of… Hawaii… America is our home.”) and when she realizes they’re there she starts screaming SHARK and Brody spots a fancy yacht aways away and gets their attention. He tells everyone that the yacht will come pick them up, hops into the police boat and zooms away.

Back in the Land of Trilling Flutes, one of the teenagers pumps up his raft too much and gets a hole in it and everyone’s like oh well, no problem, BUT IT IS A PROBLEM YOU GUYS BECAUSE PIXIE IS HERE and she’s still hungry even though she’s eaten two scuba divers, a water-skier and Eddie.

Pixie knocks the teen off the boat and instead of just idiotically treading water while doing his best injured seal imitation like Eddie did, this guy swims as fast as he can for Christopher Reeve’s boat, who frantically helps him on board. Pixie rams Christopher Reeve’s boat and then Christopher hits his head, goes unconscious, the boat tips over, everyone falls off and Pixie is like, “OOO LOOK SHINY” and heads for the boat Mikey’s on and Sailor Suit immediately moves the sail for no good reason and HER boat capsizes and Mikey and Sailor Suit fall into the water like Pixie hardly has to do any work at all no wonder sharks like Amity and then two other teens who Pixie isn’t even CHASING smash their boat into Linus Torvald’s boat like TRY NOT TO SET FIRE TO YOURSELF WHILE YOU’RE AT IT and Pixie is like, “You know what, guys? I think I’ll come back when you’ve all calmed down a little,” and she swims off.

Evil Jr. narrowly misses killing Dorothy Hamill as he helps her into his boat, thinking, “Ha ha, I guess you’re on MY BOAT NOW, HUH?” and Sailor Suit helps Mikey back onto her upsidedown boat and Dorothy Hamill is like, “Christopher Reeve is still unconscious in the water!” and everyone is taking deep breaths and not screaming anymore and Pixie is like FINALLY and she comes back and Linus Torvald is sailing fast towards Christopher Reeve and Pixie gets closer! And they are pulling him up! And Christopher Reeve is dead weight! But Linus Torvald is a hero! And Pixie’s getting closer! And she ALMOST EATS Christopher Reeve but Linus Torvald saves him and Pixie half-heartedly nudges Sailor Suit’s boat but then is like, “Come ooooon, I don’t eat BABIES,” and swims away nonchalantly.

And time passes.

And everyone is silent.

They all stare into the distance in horror even though no one got killed or even hurt except Christopher Reeve who knocked himself out. Linus is like, “He’s bleeding really badly,” and immediately sails away in the only working boat to get Christopher Reeve to the hospital, all, “Bye, six year old child! Good luck!”

Ralph Mouth suddenly says, “Let’s tie all the boats together!” which I really like because he is the token ugly goofy boy and everyone follows his lead except for Dorothy Hamill who helps by staring off into the distance in horror some more.

Meanwhile, Brody is heading for the lighthouse and he can see that none of the kids are there. He calls the helicopter. The pilot is all, “OMG I’M BUSY” but promises to meet Brody at Francis Shoal.

On the Rafty Boats of Gloom, they’ve moved past horror and into a sort of blase malaise and the boats are tightly roped together. Jennifer Gray suddenly asks if anybody wants to play charades and Evil Jr. sneers no and Jennifer Gray is like, “Listen, all we have to do is land at Cable Junction and wait,” and Evil Jr. is sceptical and Life Cereal Mikey is like, “What’s after Cable Junction?” and one of the teens is like, “The Atlantic. Then… Ireland.”

BUT NEVER MIND! Because here comes the helicopter!

The pilot flies over Cable Junction which is a pile of rocks with some electrical equipment bolted onto it and then over the Rafty Boats of Gloom and the teens are all clapping and cheering but DON’T WORRY YOU GUYS because Pixie is going to be fine and the pilot lands his helicopter on the water using these big flotation devices attached to the landing gear and he gets out and asks if they’re okay and they’re like we’re fine and the teens DO NOT MENTION PIXIE AT ALL and he’s like, “I’m going to tow you home,” and they scramble to find a rope and they throw it to the pilot and he starts up the helicopter and it starts to rise up into the air and

HERE COMES PIXIE!

Who is like, “This is my favourite mousie of ALL it makes all vibratey noises,” and she grabs onto one of the flotation devices and starts dragging it underwater (MUST DROWN THE MOUSIE) and the pilot is trying to get into the air but Pixie keeps pulling down and as the propeller hits the water bits of shrapnel fly off and Pixie is having THE BEST TIME and once the helicopter is underwater it stops making fun vibratey noises so Pixie heads for the Rafty Boats of Gloom once more and high strings play and Pixie rams one of the boats and a teenager falls in and – and – okay, so remember how I told you that they tied the boats together? Apparently it didn’t occur to anybody that the six year old child might be safer inside, you know, a boat, because when Mikey falls into the water it’s from the UNDERSIDE of Sailor Suit’s still-capsized boat and everyone is all, “MIKEY!” but it’s basically their fault and Sailor Suit dives into the water to save Mikey and she gets him onto the top of the underside of her boat and Mikey is going to help her up but Pixie (who does not eat BABIES you guys) is already chomping her in half.

Dorothy Hamill helps by screaming a lot.

Meanwhile, back at the wharf Miss Amity is catatonic in someone’s car and a town council member is talking to Mrs. Brody all, “Whoops! I guess those photos WERE of a shark,” and Mrs. Brody is furious and still no one even knows that Mikey is out there too because: 1978.

We fade to the police boat. Brody is just put-putting along. With a thunderclap, it begins to rain and we cut to the Rafty Boats of Gloom. Mikey is still on the underside of Sailor Suit’s boat and it’s come unmoored so they’re trying to get him to catch a rope to bring him onto a real boat (yeah, NOW it seems like a good idea) and the rope keeps landing in the water and Mikey is having none of that and I can’t blame him and Ralph Mouth starts shouting angrily at Mikey and then Mikey looks up finally and does get the rope. They put Mikey in a real boat and Evil Jr. falls in briefly but nobody cares and Ralph Mouth very sweetly holds Mikey saying, “I thought we lost you,” and Mikey silently decides to adopt Ralph Mouth as his much better older brother.

Much later in the day, the Rafty Boats of Gloom are floating closer to Cable Junction. The tide is going out soon which means it’s going to be that much harder to land. The teens are getting crabbier and crabbier until one teen starts asking Jesus to help and all the other teens get quiet, out of respect or because they’re embarrassed for her it’s not clear and meanwhile at the lighthouse Brody suddenly sees Linus Torvald’s boat (Remember? He’s carrying Christopher Reeve to safety?) and when they meet Christopher Reeve is all, “Well, I’m fine but Mikey’s still out there,” and if I were Brody this is the point that I would drown Christopher Reeve, slowly, but instead he just demands to know where the Rafty Boats of Gloom are. Linus tells him and he put-putts away.

Speaking of the Rafty Boats, they’re drifting closer and closer to Cable Junction and Evil Jr. has rigged up a little rudder so they can steer and Mikey is like, “Are we going to make it?” and one of the teens points out that the wind drift is lateral and everyone sighs despairingly and suddenly one of the teens starts to paddle his hands in the water trying to direct the boat the right direction and everyone follows suit and Ralph Mouth is like, “YOU ARE GOING TO ATTRACT PIXIE YOU IDIOTS” and they all stop and there’s an ominous sound from underneath. Ralph Mouth is like we’re just stuck, and Dorothy Hamill helps by screaming, “SHARK! SHARK!” and Evil Jr. loses it completely and starts shaking Dorothy to death and then a teen with long blonde hair says very calmly, “Listen. Listen,” like she’s in the middle of yoga class and everyone DOES listen and it’s the police boat engine put-putting along! Mikey is like, “It’s DAD!” and everyone is so happy like they’re safe now, I mean, Pixie just ATE A HELICOPTER but okay and the blonde calmly hugs her boyfriend.

They manage to throw a rope to Brody and are in the middle of explaining that they’re stuck on something and can’t get closer and then Pixie RISES OUT OF THE DEPTHS to snap the rope! And Brody starts driving the boat away and Ralph Mouth is like, “COME BAAAACK!” and Brody crashes the police boat into Cable Junction and starts looking for a way to set fire to himself and he finds another rope instead and throws it to the Rafty Boats of Gloom and they catch it.

Brody throws the hooks into the water and starts the engine so the… the hooks… I don’t know, they get the… a power cable? I don’t know, you guys, I watched this scene eight times and I still couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on but the end result is: hooks! And a power cable!

And while everyone is distracted by this, Pixie throws herself up! Through the centre of the Rafty Boats of Gloom! HI MOUSIE FRIENDS!

And the teenagers scream very satisfyingly and throw themselves into the water and almost all of them make it to the rocks of Cable Junction. Mikey is left alone on the Rafty Boats of Gloom with Dorothy Hamill.

And on the one hand it’s very realistic that no one is looking out for him but on the other it’s kind of shocking for an action movie and Brody is trying to inflate the now-beached police boat life raft and Pixie is circling the Rafty Boats all, “Quit SCREAMING you guys, I told you I don’t eat BABIES,” and Dorothy Hamill does not find this very comforting and the hooks finish pulling up the power cable and with the liferaft attached with a leash to his waist, Brody climbs as far as he can down the power cable. and Mikey is like, “GET AWAY,” and Brody is secretly wishing the Pixie will get distracted with Dorothy Hamill and leave his son alone and Brody starts slamming the liferaft paddle onto the power cable (now in the air because: hooks) and Pixie is like, “NOISES!” and – and Pixie it’s a TRAP and – and – Brody is telling Pixie to come faster and Pixie keeps coming and Brody lets go at the last second and…

She bites the power cable and catches on fire, and she… she dies, and… guys, this is supposed to be an action movie, not the fucking last scene of Old Yeller SHUT UP I’M NOT CRYING and so I guess Brody is some kind of “hero” now and, um, Dorothy Hamill has happy hysterics instead of sad hysterics and the credits roll for a long time and stupid murdering bastard Brody takes his son home and everyone but the scuba divers and the water-skier and Eddie and the helicopter pilot and Sailor Suit AND PIXIE live happily ever after.

photo: Benjamin Lehman

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