Imaginary Dialogue: Gams


I saw this ad on the subway. The ad is drawn in a 1950s style. There’s a woman standing on front of a cake display in a grocery store. And if we could hear her, she would be saying…

“Oh, hi… I didn’t see you standing there… I just popped out to the grocery store to pick up a cake? I loooove cake. Don’t you? I don’t eat it, of course, THAT’S what these peaches in my bag are for, silly. I get to eat a WHOLE peach tomorrow, for Sunday dinner! But, gosh, is there anything more satisfying than buying a big, pretty, lemon cake with butter frosting? And putting it on your table? And smelling it? And sometimes, you get your tongue close enough to the frosting that you can almost taste it?

But then you think – Oh no! Betsy! Eating is bad for you! BAD, BETSY, BAD!

And then you have to go and sit in the closet for Bad Fat Girls for a day but that’s okay! You come out a better, thinner girl!

…sorry, what?

Ohhh, you like my pretty blue miniskirt? Me too. When I wear it to the grocery store, I can bend over a lot to pick things up. And when I’m bending over, you can’t tell that I’m freakishly deformed and belong in the circus on account of I’ve got legs up to HERE.

And by HERE, I mean, four fifths of my body is made up of legs! But, who needs anything else, boys? Am I right?

[stumbling] [giggling] Whoopsie! Did I fall into you a little bit? Sorrrry. These six inch heels are my FAVOURITE shoes to shop in because they’re SO COMFY.

But sometimes, I teeter just a little bit.

Anyways, you can see me pretty much any day down here at Loblaws after work. ‘Cause all the girls at the office tell me that the grocery store is the best place to find a tall, handsome, wealthy man… a man… just like you… and maybe soon? We we can walk down another aisle! For real!” [the wedding march plays]

And then, over the top of the ad, I saw this written in permenant marker:

Hey lady, don’t kid yourself! Your gams are for glaring at, pure decoration! Your legs are not meant for standing tall or marching. Like a slab of meat or a tasty cake treat, you are an object to be consumed. Don’t assume otherwise, if you’re wise, you’ll do everything you can do look pretty! Because that’s all that matters.

And then my head fell off from being filled with too much joy.